Did anyone ever teach you about intimacy in marriage beyond the natural attraction we all had during dating?
Were you informed about how men and women work and think when it comes to sex?
Did you understand your husband’s connection with sex as well as the importance of connecting yourself to your sexual being? Or is that foreign territory for you?
If it is you’re not alone.
I find most women were left on their own to discover how this sex thing works.
From how our bodies work to how to get them to respond the way we want, it can be a very tasking adventure!
That often leads to frustration and a negative relationship with sex.
It’s time we change the paradigm
I just finished teaching Week Eight in Taming Jane Academy, and it is ALL about intimacy.
The ladies learn how intimacy is foundational to a healthy marriage. It’s one of my favorite weeks to teach! So many ah-ha moments.
Watching the ladies embrace a new view and a different perception is inspiring and exciting.
A whole new world is opening for them.
This discussion should have happened before the wedding.
So many problems could be prevented if we were taught the difference between men and women in the sex department BEFORE we got married.
We do speak two different languages. And it includes how we think and feel about sex.
Men and women are different. But we often assume the other is a version of ourselves. And when they don’t respond the way we would, we think there has to be something wrong with them! When in reality we are made differently and as you choose to learn how the other works, it allows for increased tenderness and desire to meet each other’s needs.
That “in-love” feeling often makes us think sex will just come naturally.
Because of the potency of the “infatuation” phase of falling in love, we think it will all work itself out.
It’s natural right. It will naturally work. And then when it doesn’t naturally work, we think something is wrong with us. Or as things change with age we often start to question:
Where is my desire? Why does my spouse have desire and I don’t? Why isn’t my body responding the way it SHOULD be? Why is something that I couldn’t get enough of before, now bottom on my list?
Have you ever felt any of these thoughts before? Or has your spouse? Have you been married for years and wonder where the spark went? Why “it” isn’t working like it did before? Marriage is always maneuvering. It will never just stand still and be the same.
We have to constantly be CHOOSING to nurture our marriages because LIFE often sucks the LIFE out of our marriages.
When your sex life starts to lack, don’t accept this as your fate, and think this is it. Choose to continue to nurture this part of your marriage and make it a priority.
A mind is a powerful tool. We cannot rely on DESIRE to create enough hormones to have a healthy sex life.
We have to consciously choose to make intimacy a priority in our marriage.
A Sexually Frustrated Marriage
When couples decide to end their marriage, the legal papers have a place to check what the main reason is for the divorce.
Irreconcilable differences are the most common reason.
I feel irreconcilable differences often really could include sexual incompatibility.
Therapists and counselors will use the temperature of your sex life as a measuring tool for how bad your marriage is struggling. It carries that much weight! Did you know that? Do you and your spouse understand the importance sexual intimacy is in your marriage? If not, why?
My answer to that WHY is a lack of being taught and the understanding of how the opposite sex works and thinks.
Very few of us were set up for success in the intimacy department. Between society’s unhealthy view of sex and exploiting it and our own personal blueprint, we are left to fumble through an area in our marriage that is foundational to creating a true connection.
Most couples have no idea that a healthy sex life is foundational to a happy, healthy marriage. It really is THAT important.
Men and women often relate to intimacy differently.
We are made differently for a reason.
Our strengths and weaknesses often compliment each other. This includes in the sex department.
We work differently.
But as we choose to learn and understand how our spouse works and thinks, we set ourselves up for success! We are able to understand at a deeper level our spouse’s needs. And because we love them and have dedicated our lives to them, we will want to provide for their needs.
That is the ultimate goal.
But first, you have to be willing to understand your spouse is not a version of you. And then you need to be willing to learn and understand how he/she works.
How men feel loved
For instance, men feel love after being intimate.
Women need to feel loved before they want to be intimate.
It is completely opposite!
So ladies when you use the NO card on your man, what it says to him is, “man she doesn’t want to be with me.” “Does she really love me?” “I just don’t understand if she really loved me wouldn’t she want to be with me?” It literally is how he feels your love for him.
We don’t understand this and we assume saying no, shouldn’t have any long-term effects. We think saying no is just in that moment; it shouldn’t carry over anywhere else. When we think this we are wrong.
How women feel loved
You, on the other hand, want emotional connection before intimacy.
You need to know he loves you. This allows you to be vulnerable and intimately accept his love.
When he approaches you for intimacy without this emotional connection beforehand we often can jump to the conclusion, “he just wants a piece of me, does he even really love me?” It really is so opposite of the truth. But this assumption causes us to not feel loved and we pull away, not feeling safe. And we for sure don’t want to be vulnerable.
Understanding is key
Men have a very strong connection with their needs. Sex is one of them.
Women struggle with having a connection to their needs because we are givers and adapters. This is a beautiful part of us, as women.
Our differences actually complement each other. It allows us to come together and balance each other out. But so often we let our difference divide us.
As women learn the importance of connecting to their sexual being and allowing themselves to enjoy sexual intimacy with their man, they will have a much more fulfilling life.
We as women are meant to experience pleasure and enjoy sexual intimacy. It is not just a man’s need only. But we fight against our natural DNA as women and give and adapt to others needs to the point of exhaustion and sex often moves to the bottom of our list.
That creates a problem!
For men who have sex at the top of their list, this is often a problem.
He has an upfront strong need for sex. And because of this, it is often heavy on his mind once the need has broken through single-task focus.
As we choose to understand this and not assume he is uncontrollable but that is how he feels the love from us, we can choose to make intimacy more of a priority in our life. And in return, we are blessing our own lives with having a stronger relationship with our own need for sexual intimacy; which creates a healthier, happier woman.
We must embrace our sexual being as women to appreciate all that life has to offer us. Leaving this part out takes away our opportunity of living a satisfied life as a woman.
Stop the negative now!
The problem is not enough of us talk about the importance of intimacy in marriage.
How are women to connect to their sexual being if we don’t talk appropriately about it?
I am sure you can recall a conversation between women about sex, and chances are it was negative.
I challenge all of my ladies to STOP this. It isn’t serving us, and it is harming our relationships.
If you are going to talk about sex, talk about it positively.
Connecting to Our Sexual Being
If you struggle to have a positive relationship with intimacy, then you need to get educated.
Stop assuming this is your lot in life and must be normal.
YOU deserve to have a healthy sexual relationship and be connected to your sexual being. That is what makes a whole-women. As well as makes a whole-man.
Ladies, we want our man to want us. It is a good thing! And it is an incredible feeling when YOU want your man.
It’s a connection that has no substitute.
Sexual intimacy between husband and wife I believe was a gift given to us by God as a reprieve from the stresses of life.
Intimacy is our time to connect and to forget about the daily challenges. It is our time to lose ourselves in the love that we have for each other.
Has reading this made you feel uncomfortable at all?
Because of the lack of education and understanding how men and women work it can make this subject uncomfortable.
We get so used to our perceptions that it can be a challenge to accept a different view.
My question to you would be, has your view on intimacy in marriage served you? Are you happy? Is your spouse happy?
If your answer is no, then use that as your motivation to push yourself to seek knowledge that will help you create healthy intimacy in your marriage.
It is NEVER too late.
We cannot change what we didn’t know in the past, but you can change how you move forward in the future.
Take this opportunity to break the cycle.
Choose to get educated and choose to set your children up for success.
Men are not taught how women work and are often “expected” to instinctively know. Women are not taught how men work OR how their own bodies work.
We need to stop this silence and find an appropriate way to be educated in a way that allows us to move into our relationship with a foundation that will support what we build on top of it.
Marriage is the greatest decision we will EVER make.
Sex is a BIG part of marriage.
Why aren’t we setting ourselves and our loved ones up for success in this area?
It makes no sense to me now. But it sure was a struggle for me to talk to my own kids who were getting married. I still don’t believe I shared what I should of.
I am grateful for individuals who have chosen to make this their life mission. I have interviewed two sex therapist and I learned so much! Check out these interviews. I promise you won’t regret it.
Share them with loved ones and with couples who are just getting started down the marriage path.
Let’s start embracing this awesome part of life instead of keeping it under wraps or allowing the world’s perversion of it to keep us from fighting for the amazing gift it really is!